Candid Courtroom
by hoppy1214
Summary: Harm pulls a prank on Mac
1. Breaking Wind

Title: Candid Courtroom Author: Hoppy1214 Spoilers: Nothing big Genre: H/M and humor, hopefully Summary: Harm pulls a prank on Mac Disclaimer: I don't own JAG or it's characters Author's Note: Who knows where this came from? I owe my inspiration to Jamie Kennedy and all of those who enjoy a good prank and bathroom humor. I fear we are a dying race. Also, this hasn't been betaed. I'm really too lazy for that.  
  
Monday  
  
Harmon Rabb was a man with a mission. He smiled nervously as he spied Major Sarah Mackenzie, wondering if he'd get out of this alive. He thought back to last Friday night, when he'd had dinner with an old Academy friend...  
  
Last Friday Night  
  
"So Harm, how's that firecracker partner of yours?" Brett Rodgers grinned at his old friend.  
"She's fine."  
"Still as hot as ever? Because last time I saw her, damn man. I don't know how you can work with her and resist just... throwing her down on the desk and having your way with her. I mean, all those TADs...?"  
"Brett, a little respect please. I think she's earned it."  
"Sorry buddy, I can't help it." Brett responded with a Cheshire cat grin. Harm rolled his eyes.  
"Have you always been this bad?"  
"Yep."  
"Then how come I never noticed."  
"Because you used to be worse. Remember your twentieth birthday? Man, we made fools or ourselves that night. Although, I think Sturgis definitely took the cake what with the chicken suit and all." The two men shared a laugh at the memory.  
"So, Harm," Brett started, "on a more serious note, I have a proposition for you." Harm cocked an eyebrow.  
"What kind of proposition are we talking about?"  
"Well, you know my brother? Steve? He's got a television show. They do outrageous pranks and stuff. Anyway, he's seen a few pictures of that marine colonel of yours and well, he wants the two of you to be the focus of one of his segments." Harm quietly processed the information.  
"Brett, what kind of 'segment' are we talking about here?"  
"Well, we thought it would be funny if-"Brett leaned in and whispered in a conspiratorial whisper.  
"NO!" Harm exclaimed. "She'd kill me!"  
"Maybe." Brett replied, straightening up. "But, if she doesn't you'll both find your wallets a little thicker. I mean, think about it. If it works out, Steve will pay each of you $5,000 for your efforts. For that amount, I think she just might forgive you." Harm fingered the condensation on his water cup, pondering his chances of making it out this alive.  
"What the hell." Harm exclaimed. "I'll do it." Brett smiled and gave Harm a pat on the back.  
"I think you're gonna have more fun then you think." Brett said with a devilish grin.  
  
Back to Monday  
  
Harm shook his head, no longer sure the risk was worth the gain. Oh well, it was too late to back out now. He glanced down at his watch. The adventure would begin in about... fifteen minutes. If Mac didn't kill him, it was very possible that the Admiral would. He set off to grab a cup of coffee to quell the nervousness in his stomach. The things he got himself into.  
  
12 Minutes Later  
  
"Hey, Mac, you ready for court?"  
"You'd better believe it, squid. Hope you're prepared to lose." Mac smiled at Harm before leading the way into the courtroom. The butterflies in Harm's stomach were going mad.  
"All rise." The bailiff declared. "The honorable judge Mackey is now presiding." Mac looked vaguely surprised at the foreign name.  
"Please be seated." Judge Mackey instructed. "I'm afraid your regular judge has had a family emergency. I'll be filling in for him. Is the prosecution ready to proceed?"  
"Yes, your honor." Mac informed. She stood and proceeded with her opening statement. As she sat down, Harm stood to begin his own opening statement. He'd gotten only a few sentences into his opening when it started. A loud sound of flatulence emanated through the courtroom, originating from Mac's chair. Colonel Mackenzie turned bright red and Harm gave her a surprised look before continuing with his opening. But, only a few minutes later, sounds of flatulence were heard again from Colonel Mackenzie. Harm bit his lip to contain his laughter. Poor Mac. She looked like she would like to just disappear. Another fart let loose and she looked astonished, trying to locate the source of the flatulence. Again, the noise stopped. Then, just as Harm had resumed his opening, a very loud, very long fart erupted. Mac looked like she wanted to die.  
"Counselor," Judge Mackey began, "do you need to use the restroom?"  
"I-I but, it's not me!" Mac was growing redder by the second.  
"Of course not, Colonel, but I think we'd better take a short recess anyway." Not knowing what else to do, Mac nodded her acquiescence and quickly left the courtroom. 


	2. Even More Trouble

Disclaimer: Don't own JAG or "I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt" by Right Said Fred

Author's Note: I don't know what happened. Somewhere between 2 and 3 AM I lost the last of my grip on sanity. I'm sorry. Thanks to everyone who liked it so far and to those who don't I'm truly sorry but it's too hard to try and please everyone. Hopefully I can win you back in the future.

Finally having gotten her flaming red face under control, Mac returned to the courtroom, still befuddled about the farting incident. It really hadn't been her. But, what could she do? Still mildly embarrassed, Mac took her seat. Hopefully their would be no more breaking wind.

"Counselor, are you ready to proceed?" Mac nodded. "Good. Commander Rabb, if you would continue." Rabb quickly wrapped up his opening and sat down. "Thank you. Are there any motions at this time? Very well, if the prosecution will proceed." Mac stood to begin.

"I would like to call-" The lights in the courtroom suddenly went out. "What is going on?" Mac wondered aloud. Then, the familiar music of "I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt" filled the courtroom. Colorful lights played across the room as a group of people formed at the front of the courtroom. The lights came on and Mac realized all the men in the courtroom, including Harm, his client, and the judge were standing at attention in front of her. Suddenly, as the lyrics began, they all reached up and begin unbuttoning their shirts.

__

"I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt

So sexy it hurts"

The men finished unbuttoning their shirts.

__

"And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan,

New York, and Japan"

The men pulled their shirts off and in-between their legs.

__

"And I'm too sexy for your party

Too sexy for your party

No way I'm disco dancing"

They pulled their shirts back and forth by the sleeves. Mac sat completely still, both transfixed and terrified by the gyrating bodies.

__

"I'm a model you know what I mean

And I do my little turn on the catwalk

Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah

I do my little turn on the catwalk."

The shirts were twirled like ropes above the men's heads before being tossed in Mac's direction. The dozen or so articles of clothing being tossed at her seemed to wake her a little from her reverie and she finally blinked while tossing the stray shirts aside.

__

"I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my car

Too sexy by far

And I'm too sexy for my hat

Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that."

The group pulled on their covers and some more gyrating of hips followed before the hats too were tossed aside. Mac was finally coming to her senses and she rose from her chair, sure that she was either dreaming or everyone had been drugged.

__

"I'm a model you know what I mean

And I do my little turn on the catwalk

Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah

I shake my little toushie on the catwalk."

Judge Mackey pranced forward. He stopped directly in front of Mac and ran a hand through his gray hair. She stood, terrified.

__

"I'm too sexy for my too sexy for my too sexy for my."

He did a few pelvic thrusts for her. Mac eyes darted back and forth looking for a route of escape. She pinched herself, hoping to wake up from this awful dream.

__

"Cuz I'm a model you know what I mean

And I do my little turn on the catwalk

Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah

I shake my little touche on the catwalk."

Judge Mackey placed his hands on Mac's shoulders and gently pushed her back down into her chair.

__

"I'm too sexy for my cat too sexy for my cat

Poor pussy poor pussy cat."

Mackey straddled Mac. She was momentarily frozen with mortification.

__

"I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love

Love's going to leave me."

Mac pushed the Judge off and hurriedly stood up. "Help ME!" She screamed. The last lyrics floated through the courtroom.

__

"And I'm too sexy for this song."

Mac began running towards the doors. Everyone began laughing and clapping and she turned around to see the Judge pull of his wig.

"What is going on?" Mac asked, still backing up towards the doors.

"Sarah Mackenzie, you have been had!" Mackey declared as the camera crew exposed themselves. "My name is Steve Rodgers and you are the newest feature on my hidden camera show!" It took a minute for it all to sink in but, after a glance at her partner's laughing face, Mac got it.

"Harmon Rabb, did you have anything to do with this?" The guilty look he gave her was proof enough. "Harm! I'm going to kill you!" Rabb gulped and his heart pounded loudly in his ears.

"Hold on just a minute there, little lady." Steve interrupted. "See, both you as the victim and Rabb as the perpetrator are entitled to $5,000. You just have to do one more thing?"

10 Minutes Later

JAG Bullpen

"Tiner! What is so damn important that I needed to come out of my office to see it!" Chegwidden answered his own question as he saw Commander Rabb standing in the middle of the bullpen.

"COMMMANDER RABB! WHY ARE YOU OUT OF UNIFORM!? WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR SHIRT!" Harm gave him a weak smile before pulling Mac towards him.

"I hope he doesn't kill us." Harm whispered to her before pulling her lips to his. He passionately ravaged her mouth. Mac's hand slid up his bare chest, enjoying the intimate contact. Deciding to go for the gold, Harm spun Mac around and dipped her low. He kissed her deeply before returning them to an upright position. They finally broke apart but the heated passion still raced through them. The taste of Harm on her lips made Mac's toes curl.

Meanwhile, A.J. stood there completely stunned. He opened his mouth a few times as though trying to talk but nothing came out.

Steve Rodgers and his camera crew popped out of their hiding places and revealed their secret. A.J. looked from Harm to Steve and back to Harm. Finally:

"Rabb, I'm going to kill you!" Harm's eyebrows rocketed up towards his hairline. He turned on his heels and raced for the elevators, one steaming mad Admiral right on his six.


End file.
